19. From the unreal to the real
Psychedelic stepfather-daughter bonding
Hello friends,
There’s a magic in the invocations I write at the end of these emails. Last week, I wrote, “May you gain a new perspective on how you’ve grown through changes you could not control.”
On Wednesday, May 14, I was laid off from my job. It was a surprise, but not a shock. For almost three years working through multiple management changes, tending to my creative gifts on the weekends kept me whole, helped me grow, and hopefully entertained you!
Thank you for following along (and welcome if you’re new here!). The fact that you keep opening these emails gives me the strength to keep going with these soul-led projects, wherever they lead me.
19. Pyschedelic spring
My freshman spring living in Stewart Hall (mocked up above with a pattern I created) was chaotic. Amanda, my movie star roommate, was getting wilder, getting into trouble, and ended up sleeping in her new boyfriend’s room most of the time. After a semester of teetotaling, I gave in to collegiate drinking during J-term, the “party month” at Middlebury.
Papa was living on Cape Cod with a new girlfriend and got his hands on some mushrooms. I had taken some with Amanda that fall and told him about it. He offered to send me some of his. I saw it as a way to express my hippie ways that were at odds with the dominant culture at Middlebury, and convinced my friend Milo to take them with me.
The full scene takes up about 10 pages of my book. To sum it up, we were having so much fun that we ate more, which was a big mistake. Milo and I went our separate ways, and I ended up alone in my bunk bed having a really bad trip. I called Papa at 1:00 a.m. and he spent two hours talking me down (he was up tripping himself).
I was depressed for several months afterward. I went to counseling, and the counselor told me that all my problems stemmed from childhood and that I needed to focus on “being, not doing.” This was difficult advice for a college student who had spent her whole life “doing” in order to get into a competitive college, and still had a lot to do to get through college.
College is an energetic soup with pressure from peers and adults telling you what to do. I often retreated to running, nature, and journaling to cope. Even while tripping, I wrote in my journal at 4:48 a.m.
“They tell you about all the neat pictures and visual things that you see but they don’t tell you about how tormented your mined till be….my thoughts are just too crazy. They don’t tell you about the feelings of hopelessness...This goes to prove that I don’t like any unnatural substances in my body…I never thought tripping would be like this. I will never do it again.”
And I didn’t, except once many years later in a microdose, which did not result in runaway thoughts.
The “Spiritual Diary” I wrote in featured quotes from sacred texts and enlightened teachers printed at the top of every page (Thanks, Mom, for the gift!). The first page quoted the Upanishads.
Another page said,
“You are the architect of your life and you decide your destiny.” —Sri Swami Rama
As the snow melted, I had many moments of “being” while running on the dirt roads around Middlebury, and finally got a plan together. After reading the entire course catalog, I chose American Civilization as my major. The Fernalds (Hi again, Erika!) invited me to stay with them for the summer on Cape Cod. Once there, I got a job at the Box Lunch sandwich shop and religiously followed the cross-country coach’s training program. By fall, I was fitter than ever and ready to rejoin my friends at Middlebury and start my new classes.
A combination of my own efforts, plus parents, friends, the Fernalds, and wise adults like my counselor helped me navigate that chaotic spring that would set my course for the remaining three years at college.
Who or what were your helpers in your late teens? How did you navigate the choices you had to make?
We are never alone
This week, I’ll be taking advantage of the coaching and low-cost therapy I can still access through my employee health plan. My friends, mother, and even former colleagues have offered a listening ear. It’s a time of freedom, and a time for making real changes that will help me build a future I want.
May you know the power of your inner and outer helpers this week, and stay true to your center.
Love,
Lee Ann
